here i am

Dear readers, 

I think this is it. The real me. I think I'm finally discovering what it's like to walk with Christ. These past few months have been a huge breakthrough, from Haiti to Detroit to hanging out with family and friends and I think for the first time, I'm onto something. I'm finally learning how to trust , and I feel like FMF is so crucial to this. To learning to match words to feelings and knowledge and all the craziness happening around here. It hasn't been easy, and it hasn't been the way I expected. I learned grief is different for everyone, bad things happen when you least expect them, and to people you would least expect to be affected. I learned what it was to be really, truly humbled in front of the very people you were trying to impress. It's amazing how much you can feel in the space of a few months, and I just want to say, I am happy, I know I'm loved, and I'm learning more about myself and God and those in my life, but there's a whole lot going on and sometimes it doesn't come out right. So don't worry too much if my writing sometimes doesn't  sound like my usual sunny self. :) It's all in the name of honesty, and God is definitely still working. 

That being said, Five Minute Friday; Here. 

1. Write for 5 minutes flat – no editing, no over thinking, no backtracking.
2. Link back here and invite others to join in.
3. And then absolutely, no ifs, ands or buts about it, you need to visit the person who linked up before you & encourage them in their comments. Seriously. That is, like, the rule. And the fun. And the heart of this community

Here I am.

In my fear and shame and amid the voices asking me if I know what I'm doing. In my feeling of not good enough, in wanting to roll out sermons and wisdom and truth, and only capable of mere squeaks. In wanting to sound more like him or her, people I love and look up to, but who I am not. In craving wisdom and knowledge, and for your Word to just make sense already. For me  to be able to listen and know and understand and be right. In my unsatisfaction, wanting to be better, more productive, smarter, especially in these lazy summer days. In my trying to figure out how to voice your workings in me this summer and failing, in working through the past and present and future to try to come to some sort of conclusion, and failing. I feel days slipping by and want to do something, want to change this world, but realize I can't, not in the way I think, and definitely not alone. So here I am, Lord, confused, tired, joyful but not always, content in some circumstances. Humbled and finally, finally realizing how helpless and weak I am, how in need I am of you. And how strong and good and here you are. So here I am, Lord. All of me.