the voice of truth

So I'm slightly out of practice, but I'm going to reenter the world of blogging---for real this time. This is the tradition, the community that got me sitting down stringing words together and throwing them into the wild yonder without worrying how they sound. Linking up to Gypsy Mama 

The word of the day? Voice
 So in a couple hours, I'm going to head off in a bus with some pretty fantastic people to rest and recharge and worship for a whole weekend, and I couldn't be more excited. But underneath all that, there's this desire to be heard that sounds almost childlike. Every Sunday right before we leave, we have a time of sharing for whatever God's been doing in our lives, and this year, I really want to have the guts to talk. I've tried before, but I chickened out almost every time, and the one time I did talk, it was just to get attention and feel recognized. That need is still there, but God's been nudging me recently. That maybe this time, I actually have something to say. I really hope so. About special education, what it's like to feel like I'm missing something that everyone else has and to have experiences I never wanted to have, and trying to figure out what he's up to in all of it. It scares me ----how much I actually want to do this,  the enormity of admitting to my friends that I'm struggling with self image and shame and nastiness that don't always show itself in conversation, of being gutlevel honest, even when I don't think I have the right words. This year has included a lot of learning to take leadership and taking care of those around me, which terrifies me. I'm discovering that I'm weak, that the issues in the past are still coloring how I see the world. That I'm not quite wise yet. I was talking to one of my fourth graders yesterday who had been having a rough week, trying to comfort her, speak truth into her life, and definitely not saying all I wanted to say, and I was sent back to that time of not belonging, feeling stupid, wondering if I was the only one who struggled. It felt like God was giving me a look into my own eight year old soul, and on one hand--I could see how far I had come, but it's not over yet. I still struggle to fit in, I'm still slightly socially awkward, I still wonder if I'm missing something that everyone else has. I still need to speak truth into my own life, and I'm kinda/sorta beginning to learn how to do the same to other people. We shall see :)