So. Here's the thing. I'm learning that I'm really, really bad at being honest with the people I love most. I don't know how to put this into words in conversation yet, but here it is.
I'm tired of apologizing for my feelings. I'm tired of being honest and pulling back with but it's okay. Or but God is good. Or a joke or wisecrack or avoiding the whole conversation altogether. I'm tired of letting people in, but not all the way. I'm tired of fear---being afraid to hurt those I love, afraid that I'm too much, too emotional, that I just need people too much. Afraid that I'm a gross, sweaty, awkward mess, and people only love who they think I am...that if they knew how deep my insecurity goes, how afraid I am ALL THE TIME, they would run in the opposite direction. I'm tired of this, and I'm beginning to get the tiniest taste that maybe it's not true anyway.
So here's the truth. This summer is hard. Because I'm finding that those that love me most are the ones who know me the least. Because I'm struggling with questions of belonging that I have run from for far too long, and the easy answers aren't working anymore. Because the groups I belonged to here at home feel so much different now, more distant, and I don't know how to bridge the gap. Because suddenly the identity I thought I had, the way I had of fitting into this community suddenly doesn't work anymore and everything is the same but different. Because this year, that ate me up inside--this expectation to love in order to earn the right to be loved, this feeling of never being enough, letting God and others and myself down. Because this year, a dam broke open that I still can't explain all the way--but let's just say that I'm learning to recognize the voices that scare me, how many there are, and what they say to have me scared all the time. I thought I had been made perfect in love when I left for college, only to realize that God has a whole lot more work to do before that happens, that I am NOT made perfect in love, but I am being made so by the slow rooting out of fear. In order to do that, I have to face them. I have to say them out loud, and feel them down to my bones before I can begin to realize that the world doesn't end on their command. Sometimes I have to throw myself on the floor and cry about how alone I am, how incompetent, unlovable, how much of an outcast I am before I can ever hear someone saying that I'm not alone. That I'm ALREADY doing his work. That I am loved. That I belong.
So here I am, swinging on this peculiar pendulum of feeling how broken I am, how desperate, how hard everything is right now, how alienated I feel from just about everyone, and feeling His truth, even when I can't put words to it.
So, friends, family, random people on Facebook who stumble across this while scrolling through their news feed...I guess I'm asking for grace here. I know I'm not always pleasant, especially the past few months. I don't always love well. I've been irritable and pensive and gloomy and spent way too much time on the Internet. I show off and get jealous and insecure when I don't get the attention or number of likes that I wanted or from the person I want. I forget to enjoy the people right in front of my nose for wishing to be somewhere else, with someone else. I play favorites. I'm broken in ways even I don't understand completely, ways that scare me into almost not believing the Gospel. Because, God help me, this list goes on and on, and some of this you know and some you don't, and right now I'm so afraid what you don't know would drive you away. So be patient with me this summer. Ask real questions and want to know the answers. Be ready to listen. And when I ask questions, think before you answer. Tell me what you really think and feel, and maybe we'll learn to trust each other a little more. Because I'm tired of ignoring and apologizing for my brokenness, and realizing that maybe this can change and awkwardly fumbling for how to do this. So here they are, these words that won't come out when I'm talking to you Sunday morning or Monday night, the words that I'm not sure how to say (or live out) face to face just yet...but maybe I'm willing to try if you are and this may just be a start.
I'm tired of apologizing for my feelings. I'm tired of being honest and pulling back with but it's okay. Or but God is good. Or a joke or wisecrack or avoiding the whole conversation altogether. I'm tired of letting people in, but not all the way. I'm tired of fear---being afraid to hurt those I love, afraid that I'm too much, too emotional, that I just need people too much. Afraid that I'm a gross, sweaty, awkward mess, and people only love who they think I am...that if they knew how deep my insecurity goes, how afraid I am ALL THE TIME, they would run in the opposite direction. I'm tired of this, and I'm beginning to get the tiniest taste that maybe it's not true anyway.
So here's the truth. This summer is hard. Because I'm finding that those that love me most are the ones who know me the least. Because I'm struggling with questions of belonging that I have run from for far too long, and the easy answers aren't working anymore. Because the groups I belonged to here at home feel so much different now, more distant, and I don't know how to bridge the gap. Because suddenly the identity I thought I had, the way I had of fitting into this community suddenly doesn't work anymore and everything is the same but different. Because this year, that ate me up inside--this expectation to love in order to earn the right to be loved, this feeling of never being enough, letting God and others and myself down. Because this year, a dam broke open that I still can't explain all the way--but let's just say that I'm learning to recognize the voices that scare me, how many there are, and what they say to have me scared all the time. I thought I had been made perfect in love when I left for college, only to realize that God has a whole lot more work to do before that happens, that I am NOT made perfect in love, but I am being made so by the slow rooting out of fear. In order to do that, I have to face them. I have to say them out loud, and feel them down to my bones before I can begin to realize that the world doesn't end on their command. Sometimes I have to throw myself on the floor and cry about how alone I am, how incompetent, unlovable, how much of an outcast I am before I can ever hear someone saying that I'm not alone. That I'm ALREADY doing his work. That I am loved. That I belong.
So here I am, swinging on this peculiar pendulum of feeling how broken I am, how desperate, how hard everything is right now, how alienated I feel from just about everyone, and feeling His truth, even when I can't put words to it.
So, friends, family, random people on Facebook who stumble across this while scrolling through their news feed...I guess I'm asking for grace here. I know I'm not always pleasant, especially the past few months. I don't always love well. I've been irritable and pensive and gloomy and spent way too much time on the Internet. I show off and get jealous and insecure when I don't get the attention or number of likes that I wanted or from the person I want. I forget to enjoy the people right in front of my nose for wishing to be somewhere else, with someone else. I play favorites. I'm broken in ways even I don't understand completely, ways that scare me into almost not believing the Gospel. Because, God help me, this list goes on and on, and some of this you know and some you don't, and right now I'm so afraid what you don't know would drive you away. So be patient with me this summer. Ask real questions and want to know the answers. Be ready to listen. And when I ask questions, think before you answer. Tell me what you really think and feel, and maybe we'll learn to trust each other a little more. Because I'm tired of ignoring and apologizing for my brokenness, and realizing that maybe this can change and awkwardly fumbling for how to do this. So here they are, these words that won't come out when I'm talking to you Sunday morning or Monday night, the words that I'm not sure how to say (or live out) face to face just yet...but maybe I'm willing to try if you are and this may just be a start.
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