So. In a week, I'm flying across half the world with a merry band of future teachers to teach in the Philippines for three weeks.
And you ask if I'm ready?
Right now, not exactly. Right now, I'm tired and lonely and struggling to connect with the community I've spent a lifetime trying to build. Right now, there's a lot of things that remain unsaid, a lot of loneliness and fear and trying to control emotions that rage, trying to believe that God is always enough. I'm feeling kind of crabby and sulky and not at all strong enough for the stretching that will happen in a week and counting.
Before we left for break, there was a point where, thinking maybe it would be better on all accounts, I cried to my roommate, "What if I just didn't go?" Because fear is a bully and it paralyzes and it makes it look like I'm setting myself up to fail. It reminds me that I'm tired and weak and struggling more than I care to admit. It reminds me of the expectations I had for myself coming home and how I've failed--to not eat too much and to exercise and have good conversations with family and friends, to prepare myself for what lies ahead. It tells me that maybe I'm not cut out for this after all; maybe I won't be able to meet the expectations set for me. It reminds me that I'm lonely and forgetting how to connect, that maybe I'm at fault for not being honest about what's happening in my heart and mind.
That Christmas and New Year's and the festivities that are designed to remind me of my many blessings are weighing heavy this year. That I don't particularly like this season I'm in and I don't want to be here, and that this is not the mindset I'm supposed to have just before a missions trip.
So, yes,, this fear seems to get the best of me these days---but it also totally misses the whole idea of Christmas that is my hope, my anchor. Especially these days---Immanuel. God with us. The hope in Christmas, in this God I cling to these days, is that He's coming and has come and is here, that He loves us, in all of our ache and grotesqueness, enough to become a part of it, enough to enter into the messy, the awkward, the heartache that I've been trying to hide. He loves me in a way that makes it okay to admit in the midst of this holiday season that, actually, I'm not. Maybe it's okay to not be okay--because maybe Christmas gives us that kind of freedom. Maybe Christmas--the idea of our great God folding himself into the shape of a human being who would laugh and cry and poop and sweat and shoulder every battle that I face---means that the joy of Christmas came from a weary world that rejoiced at the coming of a Savior it desperately needed. The world's saving grace came when it was still aching and confused and caught in its own mess. God with us, entering into our mess, our fractured hearts and lives, making all things new. It's Him, it's this belief in this God-man, this Immanuel, that frees me to honesty, even as I travel to a foreign country to pour myself out, love that I don't have on my own.
It is He who makes me brave.
Pray for this trip, friends. Pray for courage and comfort and the ability to hear His voice, to receive and speak truth. For unity among the team and the capacity to love in a way that surpasses our own ability. Pray for the ability to love the people we meet well, for the opportunity to pour into a life. For the stamina and energy and faith we need to be shaped into the honest-to-goodness real life teachers we are becoming...that we would not become so wrapped up in the tasks at hand that we would forget to embrace the hearts we will meet. That we would not be too wrapped up in ourselves to look to Him. We cannot and do not do this alone, friends--thank you for that. Thank you for entering into this work God is doing--and please know that every prayer counts. All of you have given something, and know that none of it is wasted. Every click, every view, every word of encouragement, every donation...It's Him stirring, reminders that He is here and working even now.
And you ask if I'm ready?
Right now, not exactly. Right now, I'm tired and lonely and struggling to connect with the community I've spent a lifetime trying to build. Right now, there's a lot of things that remain unsaid, a lot of loneliness and fear and trying to control emotions that rage, trying to believe that God is always enough. I'm feeling kind of crabby and sulky and not at all strong enough for the stretching that will happen in a week and counting.
Before we left for break, there was a point where, thinking maybe it would be better on all accounts, I cried to my roommate, "What if I just didn't go?" Because fear is a bully and it paralyzes and it makes it look like I'm setting myself up to fail. It reminds me that I'm tired and weak and struggling more than I care to admit. It reminds me of the expectations I had for myself coming home and how I've failed--to not eat too much and to exercise and have good conversations with family and friends, to prepare myself for what lies ahead. It tells me that maybe I'm not cut out for this after all; maybe I won't be able to meet the expectations set for me. It reminds me that I'm lonely and forgetting how to connect, that maybe I'm at fault for not being honest about what's happening in my heart and mind.
That Christmas and New Year's and the festivities that are designed to remind me of my many blessings are weighing heavy this year. That I don't particularly like this season I'm in and I don't want to be here, and that this is not the mindset I'm supposed to have just before a missions trip.
So, yes,, this fear seems to get the best of me these days---but it also totally misses the whole idea of Christmas that is my hope, my anchor. Especially these days---Immanuel. God with us. The hope in Christmas, in this God I cling to these days, is that He's coming and has come and is here, that He loves us, in all of our ache and grotesqueness, enough to become a part of it, enough to enter into the messy, the awkward, the heartache that I've been trying to hide. He loves me in a way that makes it okay to admit in the midst of this holiday season that, actually, I'm not. Maybe it's okay to not be okay--because maybe Christmas gives us that kind of freedom. Maybe Christmas--the idea of our great God folding himself into the shape of a human being who would laugh and cry and poop and sweat and shoulder every battle that I face---means that the joy of Christmas came from a weary world that rejoiced at the coming of a Savior it desperately needed. The world's saving grace came when it was still aching and confused and caught in its own mess. God with us, entering into our mess, our fractured hearts and lives, making all things new. It's Him, it's this belief in this God-man, this Immanuel, that frees me to honesty, even as I travel to a foreign country to pour myself out, love that I don't have on my own.
It is He who makes me brave.
Pray for this trip, friends. Pray for courage and comfort and the ability to hear His voice, to receive and speak truth. For unity among the team and the capacity to love in a way that surpasses our own ability. Pray for the ability to love the people we meet well, for the opportunity to pour into a life. For the stamina and energy and faith we need to be shaped into the honest-to-goodness real life teachers we are becoming...that we would not become so wrapped up in the tasks at hand that we would forget to embrace the hearts we will meet. That we would not be too wrapped up in ourselves to look to Him. We cannot and do not do this alone, friends--thank you for that. Thank you for entering into this work God is doing--and please know that every prayer counts. All of you have given something, and know that none of it is wasted. Every click, every view, every word of encouragement, every donation...It's Him stirring, reminders that He is here and working even now.
Our merry band of Taylor University education majors bound for the Philippines...Not long now!
Its definitely scary heading off to do what you're going to do. And so emotionally draining. Maybe you won't have that "life changing, wonderful, incredible" experience that people expect you to have, but you're absolutely right that its okay not to be okay. Because Christ has anchored us, and will anchor you as you head into this unknown. Its very scary, but you are with a group of other teachers, and most of all, God is with you, so you are certainly not alone. If I could move to China by myself, you can head off to the Philippines! Looking forward to hearing about your experience! :)
ReplyDeleteRachel