There's a question that's been bouncing around in my head for a really long time now, and it's beginning to bother me. I know God is better, more loving, stronger, ultimately more satisfying than any person can be, and I've seen his faithfulness and tasted his goodness...but doesn't he get how hard it is to love Him sometimes? I can see other people, be around them, study with them, go to dinner with them, but when I come back to my room, the glow fades and I feel completely empty, and for some reason, Bible time doesn't help. My journal entries go in circles and I don't even know where to begin reading the Word or if I even want to. Why do I have so much trouble spending time with the only One who actually satisfies? Or asking for help or even finding words to explain what the heck is going on in my head. It just doesn't seem fair that I can't be genuinely satisfied by the only thing that really satisfies because I can't see Him. I need people. Or I need Jesus to be here physically, to hear His voice and feel His arms. I need him to be the one to tell me that I'm supposed to be here, that he has a place for me in this place full of new people and new traditions and new experiences, that one day I'll belong. I need to be known here,. Lord, I need you to not be so damn invisible. I need to know that You are enough...because right now I'm kind of doubting it. Why can't I see you, Lord? Even just a little...Why do I want the people around me more than I want You? Why am I so afraid of what's happening in my own head?
Is my faith really that weak?
I'm almost always afraid that maybe I don't belong here after all. I've grown to love these people that I'm with every day, the laughter and wisdom and worship this place offers me, but I wonder if I can actually do this. Everyone seems to have these relationships where they belong and are known and loved and it seems like they're all chugging along, doing better somehow because they have each other. What if I just can't be known like that? What if I'm just not capable of enjoying life fully? Does that makes me a pessimist or depressed or what? Maybe I'm just missing something, the one piece of knowledge that makes everything OK again. I don't know. I know God is good. I've seen it in the past, and I guess waking up this morning is another sign that He has a plan...but I'm tired, I'm aching for what seems like no good reason, and I have no idea what this afternoon, let alone this week holds or where the heck God fits into all this. I guess now I'm just waiting for answers. And--maybe-- I still think I believe redemption is out there somewhere.
Is my faith really that weak?
I'm almost always afraid that maybe I don't belong here after all. I've grown to love these people that I'm with every day, the laughter and wisdom and worship this place offers me, but I wonder if I can actually do this. Everyone seems to have these relationships where they belong and are known and loved and it seems like they're all chugging along, doing better somehow because they have each other. What if I just can't be known like that? What if I'm just not capable of enjoying life fully? Does that makes me a pessimist or depressed or what? Maybe I'm just missing something, the one piece of knowledge that makes everything OK again. I don't know. I know God is good. I've seen it in the past, and I guess waking up this morning is another sign that He has a plan...but I'm tired, I'm aching for what seems like no good reason, and I have no idea what this afternoon, let alone this week holds or where the heck God fits into all this. I guess now I'm just waiting for answers. And--maybe-- I still think I believe redemption is out there somewhere.
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