musing...

So...this is it. I'm going to try this whole blogging thing again. It feels a little riskier than before with the new people I'm meeting (hi friends!) and those I left back home who might worry a little over some things that might come out of my mouth once in a while. For everyone's sanity, let me say up front that at the core of everything, I really AM okay, because it turns out that God is always better than I think He is and He has the victory. More and more, I am learning that I am more loved, more graced, more beautiful than I think, and Jesus is keeping me sane even when I feel like I'm no use whatsoever to Him. Above all else, my story is that of redemption, of an awkward girl with round glasses, a lisp, and no coordination whatsoever learning to love and be loved, know and be known, and eventually reaching out to those on the outskirts to pull them in, too. That said, I still have a lot of room to grow, a lot of questions and aches and pains I'm still trying to sort out, a butt-load of character development God is doing--but that is what I want to share on this blog this year. I want to practice intentional vulnerability--something I thought I understood before I moved to Indiana, but is so much harder now. I'm living with people I've known for a handful of months now, men and women who I am rapidly growing to love, and I never know how much to share or not share, what questions to ask, how to act. This whole community thing--the possibility of knowing and being known deeply--both exhilarates and terrifies me. Because right now, it's hard. I can do small talk. I can do laughter and fun and maybe a conversation that someone else starts, but I have so much trouble admitting I need help, entering into conversations that may be more difficult, that require something more from the other. I'm working on it. I'm trying to be brave, but the process is so much slower lately than I would like. So I've decided that this will be just one more step, me trying to push myself just that much more though I'm not sure what that might mean. But so many people seem to have blogs lately that have given me a window into who they are...and now I think I want to try to do the same. Some of it is weird or goofy or depressing. Sometimes I say too much. Sometimes I forget to tell parts of the story or don't explain enough or ramble on forever, but I am here and that has to count for something.