I'm not ready

Us Salinians are heading into our third week of school and already words cannot express the need I feel for a restful Sunday. I have finger and toenails that haven't been trimmed yet, a pile or books and papers and homework left over from the crazy storm of homework last night and a list of questions and needs from over the course of the past week. Not to mention the laundry sitting on my desk right now, or the new correspondence with a very special almost five year old in Bolivia. There's always more to do and see and study and understand. School resumes tomorrow and I'm still not That's why I hate trimesters. I like to think about things, and by the time I've learned something, the teachers are ready to start again with something new. Half the time, I go to bed feeling like I've only gotten half of my work done.

That's what bugs me about this week starting again.  There's still more I have to think about and pray about before I dive headlong into tomorrow.  I still have to get my head andd heart into the right place and move past the not so pretty things that happened last week into the new. I still have to forgive myself for sending an email to my Spanish teacher when she was having a bad day---with the wrong Bible verse as my 'signiture'. And my anger at her for responding to every one of my Spanish questions but evading that one dumb email. And my fear of being alone at youth group or just not belonging, and the feeling that my small group, who have been together for almost four years now still doesn't count me as part of the group. And having no down time and my dad still wanting me to do the Big House run again this year when I have no time to prepare. And I'm just not ready to keep going. I  should and I know I will get up and get ready for school tomorrow but I'm just not ready.

I'm not ready. I'm not ready to dive into the future that I don't know. I'm not ready for God to take over despite my unreadiness. I'm not ready to watch---or be blind to--- what he does this week. I'm not ready for night after night of frantic work and extracurriculars only to fall into bed and have it all happen again the next day. And yet, the quote from yesterday is still true. I'm not expected to be the best or the smartest or the most detail oriented (thanks God!) because if I was, I wouldn't trust God to work. He promises to be stronger then my strength and his love a thousand times better then my own. There is nothing I could possibly do to faze him, no bigger idiot I can make of myself or him than what he's already made of himself on the cross. Also, I think the world would be a whole lot less full of laughter if I made no mistake than  what   it     is when I'm myself. And I think God Himself gets a chuckle or two out of my antics sometimes. In the most loving way possible, guys, God is perfectly okay with making an idiot of oneself. I am a living example.